Burdens I Bear
by iluvaqt
Summary: Vignette. Asha's farewell. I think it's a missing scene.. but where to put it. No 'bon voyage', a single goodbye. Her thoughts on the past, some for the future.


Burdens I Bear

By iluvaqt (iluvaqt@hotmail.com) 25/6/02

Disclaimer: Dark Angel and it's characters are not mine.

Summary: My insight into the real Asha Barlow.

Rating: PG-13

Code: Short 

Author's Note: I've always wanted to make something more of this first paragraph. Now I have. :D And Pari106 I borrowed a little from 'Asha's Arrival'. Hope you don't mind?

It's the web of deceit that makes my misery. The masks I wear and the lies I tell, one day I know everything will start to unravel. I hope everyone I love with disappear that day, so they won't have to see just how ugly my life really is. The real me; scars, lies, masks and all.  I don't even know who I really am anymore. I put on this fake smile, this fake attitude, pretend nothing is wrong when everything is falling apart around me. So you know what I do, instead of telling the truth risking hurt and finally feeling free… I add another mask.

Today, I left behind yesterday. It's the third time I've done it. The first time was after Mark disappeared. I couldn't, wouldn't believe that he just abandoned us, no way. Then again I probably forced myself into thinking he did, just so I wouldn't have to face the reality of the possibility of his death. He was too strong and so smart, they would have never caught him. But if they had, he would have let them put him in prison before he would have told them anything. That was Mark, selfless but proud to a fault. He would have never admitted to anyone if he were in trouble. I'd be the last he'd call, me, his little sister.

The second time I ran was when our cover was blown in San Francisco. They had ids on everyone and we went underground. We'd been doing fieldwork for Eye's Only for years and I'd known Logan since my high school days. Long before either of us had ever gotten involved in exposing corruption and injustice. When I knew I had to get out of California he gave me a hand. He's done it again, used his contacts and he's connection with Eye's Only, to help me start over again.

I have my fake id. Ashanti Vegas. Weird combination but I don't care. It's just another mask, I wonder if this one will stick with me longer than the last one? Asha Copeland. I wonder if it's all so far gone that one day I won't even know who Asha Barlow is? 

There was nothing for me. No goodbyes, no I'll call you, it's as if I never really knew anyone here. Logan said his goodbye, or all that I could've expected. He's always been a good friend and I guess I can't fault him for not being more to me. He's heart was caught up else where and it's not his fault. We can't help the person we love, whom we'd be willing to die for.

That's the sad thing. Alec didn't even want to take that chance. It's as if the past for him was more than enough to seal his future. He didn't want to listen, didn't want to believe in what I had to offer. Not that it was a really big deal. I'm just tired of being alone. He was strong, funny, smart and reminded me a lot of Mark. It's probably why his smart-arse attitude didn't bite me as much as it should have, because underneath I knew he was something more. 

One night at Crash, after I patched him up, he offered me his number. In case of an emergency he said. I wrote it on one the notes pages at the back of my address book and scrawled his address underneath. After two drinks and about quarter to midnight, I almost asked him home. I was so close and I'm sure he could read me but I stopped myself. Why? At the time I wasn't sure and now I don't know if it was the right decision or not. Would it have changed his mind about us, about pushing me away? Maybe, but then I'll never know. After I got home, I shut the door and just slumped behind it. I sat there for the longest time, just thinking. I pulled the book out and stared at his number for what seemed like an eternity, before I tore it out. I was a threat to him, the work I did, and the people I hung around. He had enough to worry about just keeping his head down without a girl like me to add to his troubles.

I was twenty-seven years old, I haven't had a serious relationship since college. Even that bordered on pathetic, since he blew me off for being too stubborn and feministic for his taste. I told him where to stick it, the idiot. He didn't know what he was throwing away. Yes, I consider myself a catch. I'm loyal, I'm pretty, smart and sexy. Although, some of those qualities I'm beginning to doubt considering no male has voiced those sentiments in over six years. 

Well now I'm on the way to Vancouver, leaving everything behind yet again. For now I've given up on fighting the system. It's just too exhausting. It takes everything and leaves me with nothing. If anything, that's one thing I've learned over the past six years. It started just after I finished college and joined Mark and his group. S1W. From then up until now, I have no idea what I've done to change things for the better. I do know what it's taken from me; my identity, my family, my friends and now another life. After I get to Vancouver, I'll head for Quebec. Hopefully from there, I'll be able to work, save some money and make it to Ireland. If I get lucky, maybe they'll take me for free if I scrub pots or something.

Since I'm going to start over, I want no strings attached, no ties, no safety net, no attempts to relive the past. It's all over now. I'll kill myself if I keep thinking about 'might have beens'. 

Sitting on the bus, waiting to leave the Seattle. I take one last look in the direction of the Space Needle. It's a landmark, but more than that, it's a symbol. From up there I'm sure that everything's so clear and peaceful. Life has meaning and direction. The world below is a pattern and from there you can see what it's all supposed to mean. 

One day, maybe someday, Asha Barlow will be back. Settling into my seat I ignore the view outside. There's no one to send me off, in a way it's so much better because there will be no soppy tears or last minute regrets. I might be leaving yesterday behind but there's always tomorrow. A sad smile plays on my lips as that thought reminds me of Logan, the eternal optimist. It isn't a bad thing, because come to think of it, he's always right. It's all-good in the end.


End file.
